MY HEALING JOURNEY ONGOING

Healing takes time

It takes need

It takes courage

After forgetting who you are

Everything you enjoy independent of another human being or a situation

The feeling like you can go on

Because something has been removed from your life, from your world, from your perspective

So now you have to take a step back and reflect on who you were before all this happened

I loved him and honestly i still do, but he was not good to me

Kept giving up and dropping however every time he came back

I did it for the last time i hope, and genuinely pray not to let myself go back there

But when someone’s comes in your life and hands you a flashlight that lets you torch right through yourself and look into your soul, into yourself, into everything you have become and you find that you can’t recognize yourself anymore!!!!!!

Its just heartbreaking

That as you gave someone the intangible world everyday, you washed yours away and broke your heart everyday.

When someone holds your hand and you start to ask why they do?

When someone communicates with you in a clear manner and you start to realise its not impossible for someone to do

When someone understands and wants to know everything about you , to know why you are the way you are, but your guard now built up and your trust issues shattered

When someone is genuinely interested in you now but you’ve heard a lot of it and now it is all so clichรฉ and pointless

I could go on and on but i won’t, because when you lose yourself, sometimes you can’t put it in words but your actions portray it all.

When i talk about healing, i am not talking about love independently, i am talking about friendship, family relationships, childhood trauma, mental healthy, social problems.

Everything that affects your insides and disintegrates your mental, psychological and emotional well being.

There is more out there

More than that person your so stuck on

More than your rigid perspective

More than that house where nothing ever goes right

More than those friends that always leave you drained and insecure

More than society’s opinions and must exist scenarios

Open your heart

Open your mind

I know it’s not as easy as reading about it or typing it out

But you need to want to heal, you need to need to heel

Pray about it everyday, God listens

May you heal from everything that breaks your heart and soul

And become whole again

You are lovedโค

LOSING MY VIRGINITY

About a year and a half , i lost my virginity, it hurt physically and emotionally because of how i felt mentally after the scenario.

I had all these perceptions about my body and all this attachments to my virginity. It is like i believed that is where my worth was.

That men would want me and fall in love with me because of my vagina being intact. That i deserved them because i was young and untouched .

The day i lost it, i cried so much, partly because it hurt, then also because i thought i loved him then realized i didn’t , in fact i was now disgusted by him for many reasons but a few; He wasn’t patient and i deserved better

and most importantly now i thought i was worthless and that i had lost my value as a lady because i had been deflowered.

I stayed in bed for 2 weeks because i felt like i did not deserve the universe anymore.

My life stopped, i stopped studying and being my jolly self.

I think and look back to that moment, that day , that week , those weeks and cringe.

I hate that i ever had such a mentality and that i ever believed that i didn’t deserve anything anymore because of an incident and a human being that did not define and deserve me.

I have grown so much from then , i have seen , felt and been through things and at this point in my life, my heart breaks for the girls that feel the way i felt then and think the way i did then.

Where am i heading with this?

I want you to know this ;

*You are not defined by your virginity and just because you gave it up, doesn’t mean you become less valuable.

These are moments meant to happen, things we hold onto so much just to let go and then hurt.

But they never change the fact that you are beautiful, you are loved and you are solid gold.

A man should not make you think or believe that his opinion about you and his actions toward you have anything to do with you. You are what you choose to be.

If you enjoy the process of deflowering, that is good for you, and if you don’t enjoy it, it is still okay, rise above.

It gets better and better and enjoyable with time, i promise.

Have sex without feeling guilty, enjoy it without feeling worthless, because you are not defined by your body or what someone says and thinks about you.

i just don’t want you to ever think or even ever believe that you become less valuable because you lost your virginity or because you had sex with a couple of guys.

Be happy and keep your head up, confidence in what you do is the key.

I for one love to have sex and make love with the right person, or not , being in the moment and enjoying it as it lasts. It does not define me and nothing any man can say or do can make me feel less worthy.

But once upon a time i gave a fuck and i didn’t know better, so i wrote this so you have an insight of what people never tell you.

You remain an image of God, and you remain loved๐Ÿ˜Š

A BOND WITH MY IMAGINATION

Not a day goes by

When i don’t lose myself in my imagination

I wake up and imagine what it would be like to still be asleep and finish my dreams

I step out of my bed imagining what life would be like if i woke up next to a beach somewhere

I get down on my knees to pray as i imagine the Lord God next to me, listening to my prayers and telling me to stop dozing and trust in him instead of worrying

I slip on my clothes and imagine what life would be like if i didn’t have to wear clothes everyday and all i had to do was embrace my imperfect body and stride around butt naked

I wash my face with the imagination of the water not splashing in my hair just like the girls in adverts on the television

I step out of the house and the sun rays hit my face, then i imagine what it would be like it i could just busk all day, but alas , the sun rays in my country are just too hot

Then i have my breakfast imagining it was something else, something i actually crave to have, maybe a sundae and some pancakes for breakfast

I great my family and imagine I’m living with the love of my life and instead of words, we would just kiss and hug for ages

I go through my day and with everything i do , i imagine it was easier and i had a trophy to win after each task so that way id have some motivation……

Truth is, at every moment of the day, my imagination keeps running, it could be because am a dreamer or maybe i desire a better life than i am living

But one thing is for sure, imagination keeps hope alive

It shows you what is possible if you choose a different path and pushes you to go further.

At least that’s how it makes me feel

Hopeful and Happy

I pray that one day

My reality is better than my day dreams and imaginations.

HALF THE YEAR

Hurray, its June๐Ÿ˜Š

Sadly my life is not yet back to normal because of this pandemic but i am still glad i have reached this far.

I used to tell myself “if they dare extend this lockdown, am going to just die”

And here i am , still alive , still smiling.

I just realised that instead of focusing on what i don’t want and what am tired of, i should focus on the good that is happening already. May wasn’t a bad month, i experienced growth and joy, sadness too but the good days were more than the bad days.

Despite being stuck at home, i have made plans of what I’d like to do in June

Just a reminder to God.

My relationship with my mother isn’t the best at the moment, my unconditional love remains though , and am sure , so does hers.

But sometimes parents can be toxic, they break our hearts and make us emotionally unstable.

But no one is ready for that conversation , not even me.

Because its hard to even think that the human being that loves you the most could hurt you.

But then again, she is only human, just like me.

Am also seeing a very amazing guy, he’s so perfectly imperfect , so compatible with me, so sweet, am even afraid to show him to the world because i still can’t believe he exists.

Anyway i spend most of my days listening to music and watching series.

I have been making plans to workout and backing of out every now and again, but i realised , till when will i not mean it , yet i need it, so i decided to tirelessly and emotionally involve myself in my workout lately , i have worked out for a couple of days consecutively.

I feel good, i feel light, my skin is glowing, am happier, my thoughts are clear, its just a really good decision i made and so help me God , i keep it up.

Journaling has been my everyday thing, i wrote every single day for the past one month. It is really therapeutic and helps monitor growth in every way.

I used to podcast regularly but i took a step back , am lacking inspiration and then again i don’t want to share about myself anymore, at least not this chapter i am going through. I feel like its serious and full of so many discoveries that I’d love to uncover all that on my own. Something like growth through this.

At some point i even felt like i should dissolve the podcast , but am going to hold on to that for now .

So anyway since June is here, am happy to take each day one at a time and uncover the beauty in each and every one of those.

So help me God.

AND SO I WRITE ON

Overtime , i have come to convince myself that i probably started this blog for me mostly, for other people too but mostly for me.

To share and express myself, because i always write but sometimes , no one reads what i wrote, some posts go unseen by anyone.

But i will keep writing, I’ll keep posting, I’ll keep sharing because writing is what keeps me alive.

Maybe one day, definitely one day, my posts will reach out and someone will say something

๐Ÿ˜Š

Just a thought to the question

Remember when i asked God when it will ever feel right forever

I was being impatient

impulsive and probably lonely

I have been reading a book titled

Dear Woman by Mike

It is one of the best books i have read in a long time

A friend forwarded it to me

I have never been so grateful

To God, i am sorry i got impatient

Loved myself less, and thought i deserved less

You made me a Queen so i deserve a King

Am glad i have that at the back of my mind

Love is beautiful

But love lasts , for a while

Bonds are made and they break

Hearts break and scars heal

People leave and life goes on

What remains

Is the memory of all the beautiful weekends

The thought filled weekdays

The beautiful sunsets and sunrise

The pains and gains

The arguments and rough patches

The second , twentieth and a hundredth chances

The wrinkles that represent the journey

It is a process

One that need not be rushed

I am young and fearless

With so many dreams to bring to life

So let me enjoy the experience of

Love and infatuation

Lust and passion

Without getting a head of myself

Enjoying the shots

Because one day

I will sip a glass

Composed of all the qualities

I kept sipping from small glasses of shots

And will be over flowing

All that for me

till then, i remain the dreamer

On the way to her destination

About April

#blogging

It was not a bad month , i think I’d like to call it fair, just fair enough i went through it and am still here and most of all still smiling.

I basically do this thing at the end of the month where i write about my achievements that month on what good or bad came out of it at the end of it.

Just so i can keep on track

So its like the first time i blog about my month but oh well, its never too late:

Good things

*my sisters birthday, i literally planned this one and though we were home, because of the covid19, we tried to make the best of it and i must admit , it was a beautiful day.

*my friend’s birthdays

*self growth, i am always looking forward to becoming a better person for myself and for those i love and seeing how far I’ve reached this month, made me happy,

I am more accepting and accommodating and also in touch with my emotions so i don’t just burst out, am able to keep my cool and express myself.

*i am also doing some reading of different self help and inspiration books to become a better person, started last month and its on going.

*God’s love for me kept unveiling itself in every day and situation

*i finished the show; desperate housewives that I’d been repeating and also watched a few other movies

*discovered new music

*journaling , this is like my hobby, my outlet, my therapy , my friend so its pretty much necessary and yeah i did that.

* i figured out a few things about my traumatic childhood and they were able to give me clear answers about the things that happen to me in my present life.

*then lastly, the other good thing was basically getting through the month despite the pandemic across the world.

Bad things

Its basically this pandemic that has put life on a standstill but God got us.

So in may now, still in lockdown but reminded every day by myself how fabulous i am and how happy i should be

May the month come with more blessings and achievements.

I would have wanted to do so much more but i need to get outta the house first.

๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Štake care

Just a question

How many people do i need to meet

To smile at

To smile with

To open up myself to

To let in

To take care of

To get attached to

To give all my love

To make love to

To hurt and break

To get strong and grow

To feel like its right

To picture a life with

Before i finally meet the one

The one who won’t walk away

The one who loves me dearly

My equal

With whom everything is enough

In its imperfection

With goals and dreams aligned

To hope and dream with

To laugh forever

And be genuinely Happy

Knowing deep down

That i don’t have to start over

Because i am tired

I just want to meet the one already

Dear God

This is my prayer

For someone

Just like you

NUMB

Am not angry

Am not happy

Am not confused

Am not sad

I just feel nothing

Am just existing

And hoping the next day is better than the previous day

I just want to not be home anymore

Am tired of it

I miss my freedom

I miss laughing out loud at a cafe

Rushing out in the midnight hour to meet a friend, a lover, a relative

Dancing and listening to music outdoors

Being happy

I miss being happy

From the bottom of my heart

I hate home

Yes that’s it

That’s the feeling

That’s how i feel

Stuck

Thanks to writing

I’ve figured it out

IT’S ALL ABOUT ME FOR NOW

Yesterday or the other day, am not sure, some one told me , my posts are about me, that i write for myself and how that may be a bit selfish.

But when i started this blog, i started it for me, i was going through it as those who have read my posts can tell, i was hurting.

I needed an outlet, something that’s mine, where i go to explain my self and not feel judged.

No one knew me here so it was a safe space, it still is.

I have gotten so used to writing about myself that i don’t know how to stop

But once upon a time i wrote about other peoples lives and situations, their desires and aspirations. And that was then, that is what made me feel better.

It has been a journey growing to adore myself , and being able to write about myself, means a lot to me.

I love you guys, don’t judge me for not sharing more about others or other things

This is a phase and when it comes to pass, i will patiently and gradually dive into the rest of the world and hopefully it starts to feel like home for you too.

May my experiences and random thoughts be relatable to you all, not in bad faith though.

I deeply wish you love and happiness.

Stay home stay safe

Wash your hands

Enjoy the self isolation time

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